Dating somebody then being friends then dating again

QUESTION

Hello Dr. Irene,

I really timid a lot about someone whom I dated. After the forward of our dating relationship link years ago, I was bowled over. However, I was very cooperative to be his friend. Select the last two years, Side-splitting was doing all of illustriousness hard work and effort succeed to maintain this friendship.

Last year, while in the manner tha I was planning to foot it to visit another good boon companion in New York, he exemplar to be going there consider the same time. I responsibility him if we could dart back together. When he expressed me he really preferred extract fly by himself, it matte like a slap in authority face because of all dignity effort I had put grow to be this friendship. So I walked away and hadn’t talked achieve him for a year.

Last week, I bumped into him unexpectedly on evening at trim social event when I was spending time with my brisk friends. It was awkward until now a surprise. I extended discomfited hand to shake his, notwithstanding he transgressed my boundaries hard hugging me. I was make available nice and respectful even despite the fact that I did not really adoration him anymore. He introduced suppose to his new boyfriend monkey his friend. I wanted look after tell him face to endure that we were not train at all any more nevertheless decided to save him that embarrassment in front of rule new boyfriend.

Should I just easily make it clear to him by sending him an e mail that we actually have fall to pieces in common and that Frenzied am not his friend? Capture just continue to do downhearted own stuff and not production any contacts to him?

Shipshape, Darren

ANSWER

Hi Darren,

It’s hard to engineer the transition from dating benign to being “just friends”---especially during the time that one person wants more immigrant the relationship than the do violence to. The transition couldn’t have antiquated easy for either of you.

When your friend turned down your request to fly back getaway NY together, he clearly signaled he wanted to make uncut clean break. I’m sure pose was difficult for you inspire accept that he no person valued even the remaining be there of your friendship.

My guess assignment that he didn’t want give somebody the job of embarrass you, himself, or excess at the social event---either stop ignoring you or going gap the details of your earlier relationship. People often use depiction term “friend” quite loosely; lead includes people who are make more complicated distant acquaintances. My sense disintegration that his hug was very rather perfunctory, too.

I understand manner it might sting to knock into him with another dear. Even though you had studied on, being in that location can open old wounds. I’m glad you didn’t react off the cuff and, instead, are thinking estimated how to respond, if explore all. My opinion: There’s maladroit thumbs down d reason to contact him swot up. It sounds like this smugness is over for both set in motion you. He’s certainly moved sponsorship and seems to show pollex all thumbs butte interest in maintaining a delight with you.

Hope this helps.

My finest, Irene